I've had a great sense of peace since my 'big decision' which is its confirmation. Also, having gone through the decision-making process seems to have awakened me to a new level of vigilance or appreciation. I am more aware of what I have here, especially in terms of family relationships and friendships, but I am also more ready to speak my mind in terms of perceived injustices. I think the thought that this would have been denied me if I'd went has stirred me to use my 'right' here with more vehemence, but not - I hope - more arrogance. It is a time when I am remembering times whenever I was more instinctive in my response to what I believed in, and beginning to relive this is animating, causing me to express even more than I was happy to share before.
As if to bless this turn in my thoughts, I was visited with a voice from the past. An old Italian friend who I haven't seen in nine years, and who I hadn't been in any contact with for five, himself got in touch with me. We had tried to meet up in Rome during the 'Giornata Mondiale della Gioventu' in 2000, but missed each other. I thought we'd then lost our chance at cementing our friendship, but he rang up directory enquiries, rang up the number of the Church, rang up my parents and finally got my mobile number. And there we were again talking in pidgeon English yesterday morning. And now I have his new details and so we're in touch again. And it is these little things that put the greater things into proper perspective.
Also, the responses at my not going are as enlightening as the advice prior to my decision. I feel what it is which is important to me as if afresh. I know what work my heart calls for, even though payment will be someway in the future. But day to day as well. And it is awakening to the day to day once more which I think is one of the most refreshing aspects of this experience. Though more than this, I've crossed a personal Rubicon, and I want to express my opinions in full justice to who I am. I'm going to propose to give a course in equal rights to an institute in the north who are looking for someone, as a night class, and see if I can do more to help in that area.
7 comments:
What a beautiful story...the one about your friend from Italy I mean...it seems if there is a worthy relationship, it will never be lost. That makes me think about things...and as Frost once wrote "saved some part of a day I had rued."
Welcome as my very first 'visitor'. It is good to feel that Emily Dickenson has been to call! I do hope what you say about worthy relationships turns out true in the end. I believe it too. The line from Frost stayed with me last night and helped me. Thanks alot for that.
Italiano, Italiano...what a lovely surprise; contact from an 'old friend' puts your faith back in humanity I think. It shows that a real, true friend is one that you can loose touch with for an 'age' and then pick up with again as if there was no absence...your 'old friend' has again become new!
I thoroughly enjoyed reading your journal; and one which (unsurprisingly!) is beautifully written. as I obviously have previous and present experience of your golden-tipped pen.
I was delighted to hear the tonne of good luck that the boys had at bingo - i had a mental image of the green clio speeding along with two guffawing winners patting each others' backs!!
I am very taken with this blog-thing! I might have a go myself!
Fionnuala.
I'm glad that you came on board this thing. Now I can keep you in mind as I write away happily to myself, knowing than someone will read it sometime - and a very special someone of course, needless to say and all that.
If only I could have told that story about Liam and Peter with the same humour that Liam was putting it across. Peter with the tea, slightly tipsy, taking the price of Liam's tea out of the three pounds he was giving him as half the stake for the bingo, and how they were looking at all the olds ladies wondering which one would let them have it over their heads with their handbags. But now that it's you and you know them, you'll know how to picture the humour of the situation.
I hope you do give it a go, if you have the time, not like me just buzzing around here marking essays looking for any old excuse to stop. And now I must go and tell off a student for being smart but not liking philosophy, illustraed by the domineering tone that he took in his essay towards any philosopher who happened to disagree with him. But I'll try to do it in a caring way ... Talk to you soon, now that we have this easy vehicle for catching up. Goodnight. By the way, this time is wrong, but I can't fix it without losing the text, but it is goodnight, not afternoon.
Oh, it turned out timewise ok after all!
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